Can't Stop, Won't Stop

I am gonna make it through this year, but
I really wish I wouldn't. It would be
Much easier to pass than to face what
Is waiting in that dark future for me.
I can't comprehend how I will make it
Through twenty to forty more years of this.
But I know that I'm unable to quit
Even though I've lost my last chance at bliss.
Day will follow day, night will follow night,
And I wil be thrust through them with the force
Of pure inertia, and all of my might
Won't be able to stop me on this course.
     Life is long, with poor resolution
     I just want a permanent solution.

The Self-Immolation Blues

Despite my best efforts, my will crumbles
Under the rule of this enigmatic
Reaction. My mind-blank-body stumbles
Like a corpse running on automatic
Pilot to the unknown destination,
To the fate unforseen. I am compelled
By some strange secret communication
That speaks to me in words that can't be spelled.
It speaks when molecules accelerate
When energy is transformed into heat.
I have become a fuel to desecrate.
I am no longer man. I am it's meat.
     The fire burns all, and nothing can remain
     And with fire--ev'rything is new again.

Jill 1

Every time I hear the word 'NO', I get
A little bit more desperate to hear
Someone say 'YES'. I feel the growing fit
Tug on my mind, the pressure in my ear
Building from being denied what it needs.
I start to consider asking someone
Who I know won't deny me, and like weeds
The sickness spreads through my head. I'm undone
Quickly (my defenses mere illusion)
When I reach out to him. I'm disgusted
At the pride he takes in our brief fusion;
But he said 'YES' and I'm maladjusted.
     Now I'll say 'YES' to these pills and this gin.
     To sleep, and to never hear 'NO' again.

The New Highway Patrolman

As I exited the courtyard gate I
Saw that ornate ironwork pointed at me
With flowery dagger words of goodbye.
And so I hopped into my car to see
If it was possible to outrun grief.
The tree limbs, filled with newly-turning leaves
Shook slightly in my wake, like disbelief.
If the new highway patrolman perceives
Me as a threat I bet I could reach for
My wallet with a fast, jerking motion
Just right to make him unload in my core.
My heart pierced by lead, drained of emotion.
     Though I want it, I won't let it come true,
     I don't want my last thought to be of you.